DTLA – Hello young Angeleno!
Congratulations on your decision to join the LAPD Cadet Program. We are delighted to have you. To find? Tickled blue! Police humor!
The cadet program is the shining star of the development of youth law enforcement and community relations efforts in Southern California. We haven’t had a scandal here for over two weeks!
During our 18 week program, cadets will be challenged both physically and academically, with classes, obstacle courses and mock press conferences with disgusting media. You WILL BE coached by real police officers and attend the Bomb Squad and SWAT demonstrations. You CANNOT shoot a cop’s gun at a STOP sign even though they did in the movie Super bad. The films pretend.
We took the opportunity to update the manual given to all cadets. As it turns out, the cadet program has had some minor hesitation recently! moments that you may have seen on TV, on the internet, or splashed in the newspapers. For those who aren’t familiar, newspapers are things older people read when they can’t find their phones.
This is serious business, meaning serious serious, and not serious “Yo that’s hilarious, we need Snapchat”. Last month, seven cadets were arrested for actions such as stealing police cars and taking equipment such as Tasers and a bulletproof vest. Some cadets pretended to be police officers.
The blues of the LAPD
By updating the manual, we are outlining all of the guidelines that cadets must adhere to and the standards that we expect of them. Here are some of the updated rules.
Cadets cannot take patrol cars for personal use: It seems obvious, but it was not expressly prohibited in the previous guide. It is now. So if you’re in the garage on 77th Street or Pacific or Newton or Central Station, and you see a black and white car with “To Protect and Serve” on the door, don’t borrow that vehicle.
If you “borrow” a patrol car, don’t take it very far.: We do not accept the unauthorized use of a police car, but if you find that the keys have been left inside and you choose to drive said vehicle to the store, mall or to an appointment you with someone special, please get it back ASAP. In one of the oopsy! times when the cadets seem to have taken a car in May and driven it over 1,000 miles. In the vernacular that kids use today, it’s not kosher!
If you “borrow” a car and use it for a long time, then for the love of Jesus, Mary and Bill Bratton, don’t crash it!: Three cadets were arrested last month, in two separate cases, after trying to escape real police and run over their “borrowed” vehicles. It ended up all over the internet and embarrassed everyone. Double non-kosher!
Don’t pretend to be a policeman: Just because it happened in the movie Let’s be cops doesn’t mean you can do it. And for the record, Let’s be cops blew, earning a 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Your time is precious. Don’t waste it watching Let’s be cops or pretend to be an officer.
If you pretend to be a police officer, don’t stop a driver: Sigh. Yes, at least one of the oopsy! the cadets allegedly did this and gave the motorist a warning before letting them go. We don’t see any good reason for doing this, unless it’s filmed surreptitiously and it’s really funny so that it can be posted on Youtube. But even that is not a good idea.
Do not “borrow” a Taser from the equipment room: Cadets are assigned to one of the 21 divisions of the LAPD and learn about the operations, procedures and features of the station. If you walk past the equipment room and no one is there, this should not be taken as an invitation to hang out and “borrow” a Taser. These things can hurt (when they work).
If you “borrow” a Taser, don’t shoot your friends with it for fun.: The icky media did not report what happened, and we hope it did not before and in the future. But we’ve all been teenagers once and done some really stupid things that we won’t talk about in this manual. While Tasering Joshua or Ariel seems like a horrible idea, we can see cadets talking to each other after two to seven cheap beers.
Get away from Officer Robert Cain: Chief Charlie Beck personally arrested Cain last month after an investigation indicated the 77th Street Division officer allegedly had sex with a younger teenager. Later, a search of his home revealed more than 100 guns. Officer Cain hasn’t been charged but, you know, an alien danger.
The chef, the horse and the drama
Don’t call an officer “Barney Fife”: Sometimes you can disagree with a police officer’s instructions. If that happens, don’t compare him to the goofy sheriff’s deputy played by Don Knotts who helped keep Mayberry safe on “The Andy Griffith Show.” If you’re not familiar, this is another reference to something older people loved before cell phones were invented.
Also, don’t compare agents to: “The Simpsons” Chief Wiggum, Detective Frank Columbo, Crockett and Tubbs, Sheriff Buford T. Justice of the Smokey and the bandit series, or the 21 rue du saut crew. Finally, NEVER bring up Officer Rafael Perez about the Rampart Division scandal. We’re not talking about him here.
Timecop was not a documentary: This is not a guideline, but rather a reminder, because although Jean Claude Van Damme’s 1994 film was entertaining, neither the police nor the cadets have the ability to time travel, even if they took cocaine out of the evidence room like Perez did in the Rampart. BESIDES, Robocop was not a real cop either, and although Eric Garcetti played the mayor of Los Angeles in 2011 in the TNT series “The Closer”, and played another mayor of Los Angeles in the 2012 crime film End of the guard tour, he was not elected mayor until 2013. See, dreams come true! Go cadets!
Don’t be the bad apple: Apple is referring here to a figurative fruit, not to the maker of cellphones and iPads. Almost all cadets behave responsibly, like almost all LAPD officers, and real cops take risks most of us can’t even imagine. So if you “borrow” and run over a car or “borrow” a bulletproof vest or “borrow” a Taser and shoot Joshua or Ariel or “borrow” a horse from the mounted unit and walk down Broadway at midnight or ” borrow a bunch of cocaine from the Rampart Evidence Room and throw a big house party, it will have a bad impact on the thousands of people who follow the rules and do a great job. Do not do that. But if you have to, then please be taken during a busy topical period, not the slow summer months when even more people will notice.